00:09.670 --> 00:10.830
Hi, Nora.
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Great to see you.
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Nice to see you, Paul.
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So I wanted to interview you because you
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have some interesting insights about your own view
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on the world, the view of your father,
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and indirectly your family comes from a great
00:28.172 --> 00:32.850
tradition, like grandfather was dealing with genetics.
00:33.170 --> 00:36.726
Your father was one of the founding people
00:36.788 --> 00:39.258
trying to understand what systemic thinking is all
00:39.284 --> 00:44.506
about, how relationships between living organisms are structured.
00:44.698 --> 00:48.702
And you tried in your movie to make a summary or
00:48.716 --> 00:52.054
to give an impression or core message of what your father
00:52.102 --> 00:55.422
wanted to say because you are at the same time an
00:55.436 --> 00:59.480
anthropologist and a movie maker and many other things.
00:59.990 --> 01:03.080
And I would like to find out together with you
01:03.410 --> 01:06.630
in the work that you've been doing by exploring your
01:06.680 --> 01:10.390
own pathways in life and at the same time exploring
01:10.510 --> 01:13.254
the messages that your father was giving you in your
01:13.292 --> 01:15.706
life and what you discovered making the movie.
01:15.838 --> 01:18.594
I would like to find out if you
01:18.632 --> 01:21.834
found some messages are useful for people who
01:21.872 --> 01:24.330
did not study anthropology, who did not study
01:24.380 --> 01:28.278
psychology, were not professionals without wondering how they
01:28.304 --> 01:30.500
can make their lives more beautiful.
01:30.890 --> 01:34.938
And I'm relating at the same time like people
01:35.084 --> 01:38.358
who are not in a problem situation, but also
01:38.444 --> 01:41.298
people who are in a state of anxiety or
01:41.324 --> 01:45.226
depression and maybe are looking in the wrong corner
01:45.298 --> 01:50.862
to find solutions and also addressing family members who
01:50.996 --> 01:54.920
love someone who is suffering psychologically in life.
01:55.250 --> 01:59.094
So during the interview, I can make some more specific
01:59.192 --> 02:02.422
questions, but you have some core message that you learned
02:02.446 --> 02:06.270
from your work and work from your father.
02:07.490 --> 02:10.973
Let me see if I can begin to respond to you,
02:11.012 --> 02:14.420
because there was a lot there to respond to you.
02:18.330 --> 02:22.846
I think that it's important to first be very
02:22.908 --> 02:27.840
clear that I really didn't summarize my father's work.
02:29.310 --> 02:31.918
And the reason I want that to be clear
02:32.004 --> 02:34.678
is because to do so would have been to
02:34.704 --> 02:36.826
not understand what he was talking about.
02:36.948 --> 02:37.860
I agree.
02:40.390 --> 02:46.718
I think in the first sort of layer of looking at
02:46.744 --> 02:53.822
this, that might be an important piece to start with, because
02:53.896 --> 02:57.674
one of the things that we do is we try to
02:57.712 --> 03:03.386
find a way to describe and to analyze complex systems like
03:03.448 --> 03:08.138
you or me or the dog or a rainforest or a
03:08.164 --> 03:15.954
city, and to find some way of having a simple bitesized
03:16.062 --> 03:23.560
description to summarize, to synthesize, to give what's the point?
03:24.370 --> 03:27.674
Get to the root of it, find the bottom line.
03:27.772 --> 03:29.630
We have all these expressions.
03:30.130 --> 03:34.070
You mean like we have desire almost to oversimplify
03:34.810 --> 03:38.670
when we describe solar systems or human systems?
03:38.850 --> 03:44.022
Well, we have certainly to oversimplify, but I don't
03:44.046 --> 03:47.090
think we go into it thinking that we're oversimplifying.
03:47.590 --> 03:50.018
I think we go into it hoping that if
03:50.044 --> 03:55.420
we understand, we'll be able to interact better.
03:57.530 --> 04:04.038
Yeah, I understand you and your culture, then I will
04:04.064 --> 04:08.394
be able to have a better relationship with you. Okay.
04:08.432 --> 04:11.250
So I don't think that the impulse is in
04:11.300 --> 04:15.330
any way an impulse that seeks to oversimplify.
04:15.830 --> 04:18.209
I think it's just part of our culture.
04:18.769 --> 04:21.798
I mean, so much so that you would
04:21.824 --> 04:26.250
even say you summarize your dad's work. Okay. Right.
04:26.360 --> 04:28.498
I mean, it's so easy to fall into the trap.
04:28.534 --> 04:31.038
We all do it all the time.
04:31.124 --> 04:35.274
So the challenge then becomes a
04:35.312 --> 04:37.830
challenge of taking a risk.
04:38.750 --> 04:39.894
Risk of what?
04:40.052 --> 04:46.926
Well, of potentially not having other people understand, of
04:46.988 --> 04:53.406
not having a slot to put something in, of
04:53.588 --> 04:59.778
not being able to make a cohesive description of
04:59.804 --> 05:03.990
a living system like you, like me, like our
05:04.040 --> 05:08.562
best friends or our children or any part of
05:08.576 --> 05:12.080
the natural world that we're living in.
05:12.470 --> 05:16.938
So it's a risk because really what
05:16.964 --> 05:19.640
we're saying is you can't understand.
05:20.930 --> 05:23.886
You mean we cannot understand the other person.
05:24.068 --> 05:25.580
You never understand.
05:26.210 --> 05:28.518
But to be able to say, why not?
05:28.604 --> 05:30.020
Okay, why not?
05:30.590 --> 05:32.660
So there's you and there's me.
05:33.410 --> 05:39.800
And all the things that make out who you are.
05:41.030 --> 05:44.538
And those things change from one experience to the
05:44.564 --> 05:47.238
next, one moment to the next, one day to
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the next, one interaction to the next.
05:51.350 --> 05:55.760
You have a different sort of vocabulary of experience.
05:56.330 --> 05:58.400
So that the next thing that happens.
05:58.790 --> 06:02.910
You make sense of through a different sort of lens.
06:03.410 --> 06:09.466
So do you mean that rather than making an assumption,
06:09.538 --> 06:12.486
I understand who you are after one meeting or two
06:12.548 --> 06:16.842
meetings or 500 meetings that you are saying something like
06:17.036 --> 06:20.298
assuming that you don't understand and just open your mind
06:20.384 --> 06:22.206
to perceive what's happening in the moment.
06:22.268 --> 06:27.126
Is it something? But there's something more to it.
06:27.248 --> 06:30.090
Yeah, I think that's definitely helpful.
06:31.730 --> 06:37.400
If I approach you every day knowing that I don't know,
06:38.510 --> 06:45.874
knowing that I don't know, I can care about you.
06:45.972 --> 06:47.758
And in fact, the more I care about you,
06:47.784 --> 06:51.494
the more I realize that you're shifting and growing
06:51.542 --> 06:55.022
and changing and that what made sense yesterday.
06:55.106 --> 06:58.258
might not make sense today. Okay.
06:58.404 --> 07:00.720
So you have room to move.
07:01.110 --> 07:02.950
So that creates a flexibility.
07:03.390 --> 07:09.058
And you do things that would be responses to
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the world to me, but you do things.
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Your responses might not make sense to
07:14.364 --> 07:17.460
me, but they make sense to you.
07:19.050 --> 07:22.030
And if I had just curiosity to say,
07:22.080 --> 07:24.120
well, why does that make sense to you?
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What's the story about why that makes sense?
07:29.430 --> 07:35.698
But that is a very different way of giving you the room
07:35.784 --> 07:39.634
that you need to be the complex person that you are.
07:39.732 --> 07:40.666
And you know what?
07:40.788 --> 07:42.838
You might not even understand why
07:42.864 --> 07:47.580
you respond in some particular way.
07:49.170 --> 07:50.722
Doesn't that happen all the time?
07:50.796 --> 07:56.270
So the notion that I would understand is, well,
07:56.320 --> 07:58.358
I mean, there's a certain amount of arrogance in
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that you are advocating a kind of humility in
08:03.932 --> 08:07.942
meeting other people, even after 30 years of marriage
08:08.026 --> 08:12.714
or having your children growing up for so many
08:12.752 --> 08:14.970
years and assuming that we know them.
08:15.140 --> 08:18.486
And are you telling we need to have a kind of
08:18.608 --> 08:22.554
humility, like accepting every day again that we don't know them
08:22.592 --> 08:26.286
yet and that we will never know who they are.
08:26.468 --> 08:29.118
And we need to be open to whatever
08:29.204 --> 08:34.110
is happening, to experience how they are being
08:34.159 --> 08:37.520
and behaving in the moment itself.
08:38.870 --> 08:41.621
Well, there's that side of it. Okay.
08:41.816 --> 08:46.280
And then the other side of it is having
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our own lens and taking responsibility for that.
08:53.204 --> 08:55.050
Do you mean with our own lens?
09:00.270 --> 09:02.290
You could say your own epistemology,
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you could say your own perspective.
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I like to say lens, because that fits with my work.
09:11.430 --> 09:19.142
But what you do or what you say, the
09:19.216 --> 09:22.394
meaning that is made from that between the two
09:22.432 --> 09:26.966
of us happens through my understanding of it.
09:27.088 --> 09:29.894
What you say is what you say, but what
09:29.932 --> 09:34.000
I translate it into when it comes into my
09:34.390 --> 09:41.850
system of filtration and memory and linguistics and culture
09:41.970 --> 09:46.334
and all the things that come inside, there's some
09:46.372 --> 09:48.422
sense making that happens for me.
09:48.556 --> 09:52.898
So you make sense of what I say. Right.
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And actually, you are saying that it's not that important
09:56.392 --> 09:59.822
that you exactly know what I say, but it's important
09:59.896 --> 10:02.462
to be aware that we have a different understanding and
10:02.476 --> 10:05.234
a different meaning about what I'm talking about.
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Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
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So I can give you the room to be as complex as you are.
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Okay.
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But I also need to have that for myself,
10:19.750 --> 10:22.142
that I am as complex as I know.
10:22.336 --> 10:24.902
And so all the parts of me that are
10:24.916 --> 10:29.526
going to respond to you, I could be responding
10:29.718 --> 10:35.680
in completely strange angles to what you're saying.
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That's my complexity.
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So how it is that we actually ever communicate
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is a total mystery, mysterious because you're perceiving me
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through your lens and I'm perceiving you through my
10:55.840 --> 11:00.146
lens, and we both can have any type of
11:00.208 --> 11:03.962
reaction and behavior, and it's impossible to control.
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It's impossible to control, and it's not just us. Okay.
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So Hugh and I are sitting here and we're
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sharing words back and forth, but there's also you're
11:16.842 --> 11:19.734
speaking a second language or a third language.
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I don't know what English is.
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Yeah, my third language. Okay.
11:22.660 --> 11:24.030
Your third language.
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So your process of linguistical sense making
11:29.464 --> 11:34.298
is going through all kinds of possibilities. Okay.
11:34.384 --> 11:36.590
And then there's your culture,
11:37.210 --> 11:41.066
whatever cultural tide you're in.
11:41.128 --> 11:44.738
And that's not just what country you grew up in or
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what level of demographic your family's in, but what books you
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read and what music you listen to and who you hang
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out with and what you dream of that.
11:58.930 --> 12:05.786
And then there's how you feel today. Yeah.
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In the moment you might asleep and
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all the complexity of every day, where
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you came from, what was traffic like?
12:14.950 --> 12:15.998
Where are you going after?
12:16.084 --> 12:19.826
Are you going to go have a great date of your life?
12:19.888 --> 12:24.760
Are you going to go, oh, Christmas shopper? You are.
12:25.990 --> 12:26.390
Right.
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So there's a whole context that
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is in your world right now.
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And a whole context that's in my world.
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And when we sit down to communicate,
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we are making a new context.
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And actually there's three because they're you and me.
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And I'm thinking about the people who are
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watching the interview at the same time. Exactly. Right.
12:52.576 --> 12:53.138
Yeah.
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So there is like quite complex interaction
12:56.274 --> 12:58.202
because I might ask you different questions
12:58.276 --> 13:00.338
if it was just only for me.
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But now part of me is trying to think, will those
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of you in the EU understand what we are saying?
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Because they didn't read any books of your father,
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they didn't attend any of your workshops, and they
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probably even didn't see the movie that you made
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about your father in this movie.
13:20.170 --> 13:23.294
I think they're going to understand it, though. Yeah.
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Okay.
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Are you understanding?
13:25.470 --> 13:26.440
I think so.
13:27.790 --> 13:30.482
Now I'm wondering because now we
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are talking about a normal relationship.
13:33.070 --> 13:37.898
And a lot of people who are looking for information
13:37.984 --> 13:39.902
on the Internet, they do that at the moment that
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they are suffering either suffering in a relationship
13:43.804 --> 13:46.960
or suffering from in their own lives.
13:47.470 --> 13:52.420
And quite often I get emails of people who say
13:52.750 --> 13:56.054
I'm distressed and I feel depressed, but at the same
13:56.092 --> 13:59.958
time, our relationship is getting in trouble and I don't
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know where to start, how to get out of it.
14:02.716 --> 14:08.126
And when I listen to what you say, there is a message
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for me, at least that's my lens of listening to you.
14:11.950 --> 14:14.810
There is a lens that tells me they're talking about
14:14.860 --> 14:21.398
acceptance, accepting who I am with my complexity, accepting how
14:21.544 --> 14:24.434
the ones with whom I communicate with you in the
14:24.472 --> 14:29.114
interview with partner or spouse or a friend in my
14:29.152 --> 14:34.058
daily life, all of those things, it sounds to me
14:34.084 --> 14:37.790
at least like I need to learn to accept myself
14:37.900 --> 14:40.742
and the others in their complexity in order to start
14:40.816 --> 14:44.678
to create a more happy life and to decrease the
14:44.704 --> 14:48.518
pressure on my brain and my perfection is to want
14:48.544 --> 14:52.478
to control the world and my relationships with people.
14:52.624 --> 14:53.006
Yeah.
14:53.068 --> 14:54.830
Well, I don't think you're alone.
14:57.530 --> 15:01.698
Do you remember when you were a kid and there were
15:01.724 --> 15:09.082
those TV shows that had the jam factory or the there
15:09.096 --> 15:11.338
was these documents, I think they still have them.
15:11.364 --> 15:14.438
And there's like the jars on the assembly lines.
15:14.474 --> 15:17.138
And first is the jar, and then there's the label,
15:17.174 --> 15:19.522
and then there's a dollop of jam, and then the
15:19.536 --> 15:24.600
top goes on and it goes through this mechanized like.
15:25.230 --> 15:26.026
Yeah.
15:26.208 --> 15:30.310
And there's something very powerful about those images.
15:32.830 --> 15:37.118
Somewhere between that and the workings of the clock and
15:37.144 --> 15:44.070
the notion of how machines function, even just the barest
15:44.130 --> 15:49.900
understanding that gives us the impression that we can't control,
15:50.350 --> 15:53.822
that there is a way that it should be going,
15:54.016 --> 15:59.138
that there is a particular assembly line that is a
15:59.164 --> 16:04.074
path to happiness or is all our culture is suggesting
16:04.242 --> 16:09.810
19th century, they were building those factories where human bodies
16:09.870 --> 16:11.690
had to replace horses.
16:12.430 --> 16:14.918
And when later, these human bodies were
16:14.944 --> 16:16.622
replaced by machines, and they had to
16:16.636 --> 16:18.930
create a steady output in the factory.
16:19.110 --> 16:23.318
And all our society, even our companies and
16:23.344 --> 16:25.502
organizations, seem to be structured that way.
16:25.576 --> 16:27.918
Like everything should be a predictable
16:27.954 --> 16:30.746
and controllable part of the system. Right.
16:30.928 --> 16:38.438
So those ideas are very tricky because they're under
16:38.524 --> 16:43.130
our skin, they're underneath our dreams, they're inside our
16:43.180 --> 16:51.880
language, they're part of our whole way of being.
16:52.390 --> 16:55.598
And so when we step outside of that and we
16:55.624 --> 16:59.678
say, actually, I have no idea what's going to happen.
16:59.824 --> 17:02.378
Okay, on the one hand, you were
17:02.404 --> 17:04.770
just saying that's a form of acceptance.
17:04.890 --> 17:07.117
And I say, I don't know who I
17:07.144 --> 17:08.606
am from one day to the next.
17:08.667 --> 17:11.546
There is no way I can know who you are.
17:11.667 --> 17:14.680
So you can even not judge yourself if there's no idea.
17:15.130 --> 17:19.839
Well, is that a good idea? What?
17:22.430 --> 17:26.598
I'll tell you what, because I think what
17:26.624 --> 17:29.874
we're really saying is that there's room to
17:29.912 --> 17:36.990
learn, and that learning possibility, which is another
17:37.040 --> 17:39.030
way you could put that is evolve.
17:40.910 --> 17:45.978
So I think most of the time when we're stuck, when
17:46.004 --> 17:51.570
we're in a corner and we're trapped and we can't figure
17:51.620 --> 17:53.778
out how we got there and we can't figure out how
17:53.804 --> 17:58.734
to get out when we start with that kind of thinking,
17:58.892 --> 18:01.280
how did I get here and how do I get out?
18:01.670 --> 18:03.762
We're looking for the jam line.
18:03.836 --> 18:05.226
The assembly line.
18:05.408 --> 18:07.554
You mean that the way we are doing our
18:07.592 --> 18:10.938
problem solving is already part of the problem.
18:11.024 --> 18:14.058
It's part of the linear process that we're stuck in.
18:14.144 --> 18:15.440
Yes. Okay.
18:17.030 --> 18:20.454
So what I'm saying is that if we're looking instead
18:20.612 --> 18:25.230
for learning, okay, I have come to a corner.
18:25.850 --> 18:29.518
I need to learn something new about my whole context.
18:29.614 --> 18:31.522
Even if I don't know what it might be, I don't
18:31.546 --> 18:35.742
know what it is, but my context needs to grow.
18:35.936 --> 18:39.618
I need to get another perspective so
18:39.644 --> 18:41.180
that I can see this really.
18:46.590 --> 18:50.810
That process is partially acceptance.
18:50.930 --> 18:54.418
It's acceptance of the general patterns of life.
18:54.564 --> 18:59.122
Okay, yeah, but it's not acceptance of the problem.
18:59.316 --> 19:02.640
It's not going, okay, well, here I am. That's okay.
19:03.150 --> 19:04.740
It's just going to be like that.
19:05.610 --> 19:08.962
No, it's not me saying, okay, well, I'm never going to
19:08.976 --> 19:11.398
get through the call because that's just who he is.
19:11.424 --> 19:13.870
He doesn't understand me, and I can accept that.
19:13.920 --> 19:15.540
I can just accept who he is.
19:16.050 --> 19:19.200
Okay, that's not it.
19:19.710 --> 19:22.210
What I'm saying is that it's a kind
19:22.260 --> 19:30.970
of exploration of context, exploration of complexity that
19:31.020 --> 19:33.178
says, I want to learn more about this.
19:33.264 --> 19:37.954
There's something in here for me to find out about.
19:38.112 --> 19:39.278
Where is the trap?
19:39.374 --> 19:42.998
How does the trap work as well in a relational truck?
19:43.034 --> 19:45.166
I'm in the trap where I'm trapped with myself.
19:45.288 --> 19:47.914
Isn't it always relational? Probably, yes.
19:47.952 --> 19:50.100
There's absolutely no way out of that.
19:52.870 --> 19:55.214
No, I think I'm so glad you brought that
19:55.252 --> 20:00.134
up, because it's really easy to fall back on
20:00.292 --> 20:06.220
those ideas of acceptance and
non-judgment, but actually
20:08.870 --> 20:10.986
I think it's a very different ball game.
20:11.048 --> 20:15.140
When you start to ask, what am I learning here?
20:17.210 --> 20:18.450
What's happening?
20:18.560 --> 20:20.698
How can I explore this context
20:20.794 --> 20:24.622
and find out from another direction?
20:24.766 --> 20:27.020
Start to pull it loose a little bit.
20:27.530 --> 20:36.082
We get into these feedback loops where one
20:36.096 --> 20:38.662
of the greatest examples in systems thinking.
20:38.796 --> 20:40.246
I love this example.
20:40.368 --> 20:43.450
It's what people call systems holdback.
20:43.890 --> 20:45.598
Systems holdback. Yeah.
20:45.744 --> 20:50.040
Systems holdback is a cool thing. All right.
20:50.670 --> 20:58.322
Systems holdback is when I don't give you
20:58.396 --> 21:02.306
any information, the information that you need, because
21:02.368 --> 21:04.454
I think you should have asked for it.
21:04.612 --> 21:07.418
You won't ask for it because you think
21:07.504 --> 21:10.202
that I should have given it to you. Okay.
21:10.336 --> 21:15.014
Bit by bit, our relationship starts to pull
21:15.052 --> 21:18.506
apart because we are not putting anything in.
21:18.568 --> 21:20.738
We're both holding back. All right?
21:20.764 --> 21:22.418
So this happens all the time
21:22.564 --> 21:26.500
in marriages, in employment situations, in
21:26.950 --> 21:32.006
relationships between parents and children.
21:32.188 --> 21:37.446
And once you have a name for it, once you can say,
21:37.568 --> 21:42.334
Ah, this pattern, this is the pattern we call this console.
21:42.442 --> 21:47.480
Because of course, if you don't put information in
21:50.130 --> 21:53.220
the context starts to dry up and blow away.
21:53.730 --> 21:55.200
There's nothing there.
21:55.950 --> 21:57.850
There's no ecology. Okay.
21:57.900 --> 22:00.074
If you think about what we're developing
22:00.122 --> 22:03.470
in our conversation is an ecology.
22:03.590 --> 22:05.486
Ecology of collaboration.
22:05.678 --> 22:08.014
An ecology of conversation. Yeah.
22:08.112 --> 22:13.906
An ecology of what's possible for us to talk about,
22:14.088 --> 22:19.978
to explore together, where our ideas might bounce off each
22:20.004 --> 22:24.850
other, what we might learn from each other. Okay.
22:24.900 --> 22:26.758
Because what I could learn from you and what
22:26.784 --> 22:31.330
you could learn from me might be completely accidental.
22:31.830 --> 22:33.118
You could say something.
22:33.264 --> 22:35.340
Yeah, it's all about before. All right?
22:37.630 --> 22:39.806
But if you neither one of us puts any information
22:39.928 --> 22:44.666
in there's no garden here, there's nothing growing there.
22:44.788 --> 22:45.842
Let's give it a try.
22:45.916 --> 22:49.910
When I'm perceiving what you say through my lens,
22:50.290 --> 22:54.002
something comes to my mind that while people in
22:54.136 --> 22:58.190
conversation are in a relation, are evolving this information.
22:58.300 --> 23:00.698
There might be two reasons, at least to
23:00.724 --> 23:04.502
my understanding, how you look at it is
23:04.516 --> 23:06.194
that one reason could be that they even
23:06.292 --> 23:08.680
not agree or that they are withholding information.
23:09.430 --> 23:09.902
Maybe.
23:09.976 --> 23:12.470
And that might be an interpretation of me, maybe because
23:12.580 --> 23:17.582
some part of inner dialogue within themselves is not open,
23:17.656 --> 23:20.560
maybe because of stress or any other issue.
23:20.890 --> 23:23.042
And the other thing is that once they
23:23.176 --> 23:25.562
know that there is information to make, a
23:25.576 --> 23:27.880
decision, to bring, anything to share.
23:28.510 --> 23:31.430
Both are two different sections.
23:31.750 --> 23:34.482
Am I still too much in the linear
23:34.626 --> 23:39.746
toolbox thinking when I ask this question? No.
23:39.868 --> 23:42.950
I think that those things co-exist.
23:43.450 --> 23:48.218
And I think there's probably moments when we
23:48.244 --> 23:52.262
do both or we give information that we
23:52.276 --> 23:56.282
don't even know if it's useful. Right.
23:56.356 --> 24:00.326
Or if it's too much or it's too little
24:00.388 --> 24:03.950
or it's the wrong flavor from the wrong direction.
24:04.570 --> 24:10.420
I mean, we messed this up, but that's okay, too.
24:11.410 --> 24:16.878
I think there's room for us to make
24:17.024 --> 24:19.830
and in fact, it's important to make mistakes.
24:20.150 --> 24:22.782
Yeah, that's a pretty important thing.
24:22.916 --> 24:27.318
And at least even now, I can sense that by
24:27.404 --> 24:30.678
trying to kick out part of my own thinking and
24:30.704 --> 24:34.398
trying to tune in on what you say, it gives
24:34.424 --> 24:39.874
a different feeling of openness, a different curiosity.
24:39.922 --> 24:41.446
It was the word
24:41.518 --> 24:50.410
like I said, let's try and think.
24:50.460 --> 24:52.222
What will the reader or the one
24:52.236 --> 24:54.118
who use the interview think about it?
24:54.144 --> 24:56.542
Will it be useful and just letting myself
24:56.616 --> 24:58.980
be open to what you are telling me?
25:08.050 --> 25:14.330
So when we did our seminar last week, we
25:14.380 --> 25:18.854
were looking at that kind of curiosity as a
25:18.892 --> 25:23.750
form of really an expression of caring and affection.
25:24.610 --> 25:28.250
And that, on the one hand, when you
25:28.300 --> 25:38.480
give somebody that curiosity, it's an intimate process.
25:39.770 --> 25:41.046
Okay. Yeah.
25:41.108 --> 25:55.534
Because it says you're complex, you're interesting.
25:55.692 --> 26:04.420
I want to learn what makes you learn.
26:05.230 --> 26:10.466
And at the same time, it's an opportunity to
26:10.528 --> 26:14.270
expand that notion of that intimacy and that caring.
26:15.010 --> 26:20.690
Because we live in a world that's full of people
26:20.740 --> 26:24.100
that are as complex as you 7 billion of them.
26:25.510 --> 26:26.162
Right.
26:26.296 --> 26:28.614
Not to mention all the living creatures
26:28.722 --> 26:33.520
and the incredible ecosystems that they create.
26:38.870 --> 26:43.014
I think if I were to try to be
26:43.052 --> 26:46.566
clear with this, because we were speaking in our
26:46.628 --> 26:50.118
seminar about the idea of practicality and this is
26:50.144 --> 26:52.530
all really beautiful, but how is it practical?
26:53.210 --> 26:59.100
And getting back to the assembly line
26:59.490 --> 27:02.506
image of the jars, there's a certain
27:02.568 --> 27:06.778
kind of practicality that we're looking for
27:06.864 --> 27:08.830
in that sense. Can I have a step
27:08.880 --> 27:10.786
by step instead of face by face?
27:10.848 --> 27:13.870
I want a tool for this and a formula for that.
27:13.920 --> 27:16.834
And I want to know because I want to find my
27:16.872 --> 27:21.120
way to the other side of this, whatever it is. Okay.
27:24.190 --> 27:31.798
But what I'm actually saying is that this developing
27:31.954 --> 27:36.774
a way to begin to see and perceive the
27:36.812 --> 27:41.070
people and the systems around you in their complexity
27:41.390 --> 27:46.230
is like it's not the map of the marathon.
27:46.730 --> 27:49.820
It's getting ready. Okay.
27:50.990 --> 27:59.538
It's a kind of position for response, a
27:59.564 --> 28:02.610
mental position, but also an emotional position.
28:02.780 --> 28:06.080
It's definitely an imaginative position.
28:06.950 --> 28:12.020
It's not just intellect that we're operating with here.
28:12.350 --> 28:14.154
That's something I could see to deal with
28:14.192 --> 28:18.114
in your movie when you are filming certain
28:18.272 --> 28:21.354
aspects of how your father was dealing with
28:21.392 --> 28:24.390
a flower or a small element of nature.
28:25.190 --> 28:30.690
I could sense this openness and curiosity. Yeah.
28:30.860 --> 28:32.250
And it's affection.
28:32.690 --> 28:35.490
It's a very affectionate curiosity.
28:36.410 --> 28:39.260
And actually, it's got a lot of humor in it.
28:39.710 --> 28:43.602
And there's plenty of room for all
28:43.616 --> 28:46.040
the tragedy and difficulty of life.
28:47.090 --> 28:51.810
But alongside that, the larger
28:53.090 --> 28:56.660
picture, which is not beautiful.
29:00.150 --> 29:00.658
Yeah.
29:00.744 --> 29:07.774
But not beauty like roses and sunsets, the
29:07.812 --> 29:12.790
type of beauty that is the incredible awe. Okay.
29:12.840 --> 29:16.066
When we were just talking a second ago about your
29:16.248 --> 29:19.198
lenses and my lenses and how in the world do
29:19.224 --> 29:23.350
we ever make communication with all the possibilities of confusion?
29:24.030 --> 29:26.760
Okay, that's useful. Yeah.
29:27.150 --> 29:28.402
You see what I'm saying?
29:28.536 --> 29:33.022
There's so many different things happening, and
29:33.036 --> 29:38.446
yet somehow it can land, and we
29:38.568 --> 29:40.380
know that we're making contact.
29:41.490 --> 29:43.800
So how does that work?
29:44.250 --> 29:45.970
And isn't that incredible?
29:46.410 --> 29:47.890
And so that's what I mean.
29:47.940 --> 29:50.638
It's beautiful, it's hard, and
29:50.664 --> 29:51.742
it will break your heart.
29:51.816 --> 29:56.820
And it's funny and it's impossible to understand.
29:57.810 --> 30:00.602
And you can spend a lifetime on a few lines
30:00.626 --> 30:07.858
of poetry or understanding of one flower, because when you
30:07.884 --> 30:10.570
tell me that what comes through my lens is.
30:10.620 --> 30:16.214
well, she is lucky that she was born with Gregory
30:16.262 --> 30:20.270
Bateson as a father, because when she was a baby,
30:20.390 --> 30:25.990
she already learned these lenses of curiosity openness.
30:26.490 --> 30:29.974
And most people are not born in that kind of
30:30.012 --> 30:34.090
family because we are born in this more mechanistic culture.
30:34.770 --> 30:37.140
Do you have from your lens something
30:37.470 --> 30:40.706
to say without being too practical?
30:40.778 --> 30:46.894
Because that's not what you want to those who
30:47.052 --> 30:53.982
did not learn that with the baby spoon.
30:54.006 --> 30:55.850
I don't know how you say that in English.
30:55.850 --> 30:57.850
Do you understand what I mean?
30:58.790 --> 30:59.670
Yeah, I do.
30:59.720 --> 31:04.950
And at the same time, I think we all know people
31:05.120 --> 31:09.380
who are just naturally like that, or we've seen them.
31:12.750 --> 31:14.854
Have you ever seen footage of
31:14.892 --> 31:18.550
Picasso making sculpture or painting pictures?
31:20.130 --> 31:25.210
Well, it's so great because he's so amused.
31:26.790 --> 31:30.418
He's obviously in relationship to whatever it
31:30.444 --> 31:34.066
is that he's part of creating. Okay.
31:34.128 --> 31:36.430
But he's part of creating it.
31:36.600 --> 31:38.782
It's also creating him.
31:38.916 --> 31:46.734
And you can invincibly see that, of course, he's
31:46.902 --> 31:49.442
Picasso, and we can hold him up on a
31:49.456 --> 31:52.670
pedestal and say, but he was a genius.
31:55.970 --> 32:00.642
But I think some of us have a grandmother who was
32:00.776 --> 32:04.422
like that or a piano teacher that was like that
32:04.496 --> 32:07.458
or the baker at the corner who
32:07.604 --> 32:10.460
just has that way of living.
32:11.330 --> 32:14.886
So are you saying that if you want to learn
32:14.948 --> 32:22.782
this without becoming too practical by choosing to interact, maybe
32:22.856 --> 32:25.602
more, or be more open to someone who is already
32:25.676 --> 32:29.502
closer to his way of living, a role, a family
32:29.576 --> 32:33.558
member, even the paper on the corner, that might be
32:33.584 --> 32:38.058
a help or a step to move in that direction? Yeah.
32:38.144 --> 32:40.198
I mean, I think that my dad
32:40.294 --> 32:45.006
certainly did not explicitly teach me, okay.
32:45.068 --> 32:49.794
Or my sister or my brothers, he didn't teach us.
32:49.832 --> 32:51.870
He just went about living his
32:51.920 --> 32:54.358
life the way that he lived.
32:54.394 --> 32:56.394
He didn't teach us how to enjoy
32:56.492 --> 33:00.260
and be curious only by example.
33:01.250 --> 33:04.640
So it just wasn't that position. Right.
33:05.570 --> 33:12.154
And lots of people are that's not unique in his case.
33:12.192 --> 33:19.958
I think what was unique was the kind of educational
33:19.994 --> 33:25.210
background that he had to apply to his perspective.
33:25.530 --> 33:28.498
So you can have a broad perspective and
33:28.524 --> 33:31.630
you can admire the complexity of another human
33:31.680 --> 33:34.954
being or an ecosystem, and so can I.
33:35.052 --> 33:38.640
The difference is he can actually talk about it.
33:40.870 --> 33:41.342
Right.
33:41.416 --> 33:42.870
And he can make it explicit
33:42.930 --> 33:45.890
in terms that we're psychological, biological,
33:46.750 --> 33:50.030
in communication theory, in ecology.
33:50.470 --> 33:52.718
He could give a lot of different
33:52.804 --> 34:00.542
possible references that were scientific. Still, there
34:00.556 --> 34:02.260
was no science for this.
34:03.550 --> 34:06.174
There was cybernetics and there's systems theory,
34:06.222 --> 34:08.870
and now there's complexity theory and chaos.
34:09.190 --> 34:15.170
Still, we don't really have a way of studying.
34:22.010 --> 34:23.757
I'm saying that because you don't
34:23.793 --> 34:25.206
have to be an expert, okay?
34:25.268 --> 34:26.610
There's no experts.
34:27.290 --> 34:31.340
At the same time, the curiosity leads you into
34:32.030 --> 34:35.742
one path of study and then another one.
34:35.815 --> 34:38.358
And some of those paths might be academic and
34:38.384 --> 34:41.525
some might be professional and some might be just
34:41.588 --> 34:45.378
studying another human being that you love or a
34:45.404 --> 34:50.686
kind of study of your own life or poetry
34:50.757 --> 34:56.362
or whatever Belgian independent film.
34:56.505 --> 34:58.580
It doesn't matter where you start.
34:59.390 --> 35:01.280
Everything is linked.
35:01.730 --> 35:07.722
So curiosity, the most easy to understand keyword that
35:07.796 --> 35:13.842
can help someone with stock to find a focus,
35:13.916 --> 35:16.698
to write this openness in this real position.
35:16.844 --> 35:20.250
I think the key word is context.
35:21.530 --> 35:22.702
What is context?
35:22.786 --> 35:27.018
Because that's a beautiful word and I've studied that in
35:27.164 --> 35:30.474
a lot of my professional training, but I'm not sure
35:30.512 --> 35:35.060
if people know what that word relates to.
35:35.630 --> 35:38.406
Well, that's a tricky question you just asked me.
35:38.528 --> 35:41.240
I was hoping I could get away with it. Okay.
35:43.290 --> 35:48.886
Because of course, the context is going
35:48.888 --> 35:52.438
to include the pattern of relationships, the
35:52.464 --> 35:55.090
pattern of all the patterns.
35:55.410 --> 35:57.960
Could you tell a story to make it more clear?
36:00.210 --> 36:01.466
I do like stories.
36:01.598 --> 36:05.350
Let me see if I can think of a good context.
36:07.290 --> 36:08.734
Are there any stories that
36:08.772 --> 36:10.810
actually aren't about context?
36:13.330 --> 36:15.100
I can't think of one right now.
36:20.690 --> 36:23.394
So if you start with any piece
36:23.432 --> 36:28.098
of information about your world, about your
36:28.124 --> 36:32.840
life, anything, just give me an example.
36:34.790 --> 36:36.380
Any piece of information.
36:38.150 --> 36:40.662
I drove here today at a Toyota. Okay.
36:40.736 --> 36:42.680
You could say that maybe more.
36:45.090 --> 36:48.406
I was afraid to arrive late in the interview today.
36:48.528 --> 36:49.740
Okay, perfect.
36:50.910 --> 36:54.086
So I was afraid to arrive late in the interview.
36:54.278 --> 36:56.230
Let's look at the context.
36:59.470 --> 37:04.142
So you have to figure out how to get here,
37:04.276 --> 37:07.418
when to leave, which meant you had to complete all
37:07.444 --> 37:10.214
the things you were doing on that side and get
37:10.252 --> 37:13.862
your family and your partner and everybody squared away so
37:13.876 --> 37:16.514
that you could have the afternoon to do this thing.
37:16.672 --> 37:20.498
And you were my friend saying, oh, no, she's on
37:20.524 --> 37:23.560
vacation and she's giving me this hour and I need.
37:26.390 --> 37:30.210
I always respect your time and my GPS.
37:34.290 --> 37:36.730
I didn't know if the upgrades would
37:36.780 --> 37:40.142
work to get here in time.
37:40.286 --> 37:43.990
Meanwhile, it's Christmas shopping and Brugge and everybody's here
37:44.040 --> 37:45.958
and the roads are all closed and they're one
37:45.984 --> 37:48.310
way and they're both with these crazy horses.
37:51.730 --> 37:55.058
That's one beginning of today's context. Okay.
37:55.144 --> 38:01.194
But then there's also a memory.
38:01.242 --> 38:03.698
You are thinking back on moments when you were
38:03.724 --> 38:07.430
late and moments when you weren't late.
38:08.410 --> 38:13.334
I've been blaming myself about being late, other people who
38:13.432 --> 38:18.054
taught you that it wasn't okay or what the cultural
38:18.102 --> 38:22.060
messages are about being what I might think of you.
38:27.590 --> 38:29.970
So that would give us a kind of a context
38:30.650 --> 38:40.140
I think if you start to look at the context.
38:46.390 --> 38:49.658
Have you seen the context related to
38:49.684 --> 38:54.366
a different way to how I proceed
38:54.438 --> 38:57.220
more happily towards a more beautiful life?
39:03.750 --> 39:06.118
It just gives me information to work
39:06.144 --> 39:08.714
with, to play with, to expand.
39:08.822 --> 39:10.918
And I think a lot of times what we do when
39:10.944 --> 39:16.560
we get upset, if we start to see binaries or we
39:17.010 --> 39:21.286
divide things into and we limit the amount of information and
39:21.288 --> 39:30.160
we say, well, she's from California, she won't care finally.
39:32.690 --> 39:34.698
And so I'll be as late as I need to be
39:34.724 --> 39:39.390
and I'll just get there, then we might limit the possibilities.
39:39.890 --> 39:41.154
And I wouldn't have thought
39:41.192 --> 39:42.886
of that type of perspective.
39:43.018 --> 39:47.060
It wouldn't come to my mind, but you know what I mean.
39:47.510 --> 39:50.130
It's a very anonymous way of dealing with this.
39:50.240 --> 39:56.360
What we could be saying is casting blame actually
39:56.930 --> 40:00.438
is a really obvious example of not seeing the
40:00.464 --> 40:05.910
context when we cast blame in any direction.
40:06.290 --> 40:07.890
What it really means is that we're not
40:07.940 --> 40:12.594
looking at all the interrelationality of it and
40:12.632 --> 40:18.510
seeing what contributes to any particular action.
40:20.210 --> 40:20.960
Okay.
40:21.890 --> 40:27.414
So it's easy to get into that kind of thinking
40:27.572 --> 40:34.160
and there's no way to lift out of that.
40:35.810 --> 40:40.006
What's the solution in casting blame?
40:40.198 --> 40:42.440
When are you going to punish someone?
40:44.090 --> 40:46.580
No, it doesn't actually change anything.
40:47.990 --> 40:53.166
You do not punish yourself right from there.
40:53.228 --> 40:55.580
Moving to this open position
40:57.290 --> 41:00.306
sounds like incredibly difficult.
41:00.428 --> 41:03.390
I think it is incredibly difficult because it's much more
41:03.440 --> 41:08.118
easy to say I want to take distance from my
41:08.144 --> 41:10.230
life and I go on a holiday for one week
41:10.280 --> 41:13.098
and when I'm in the sunshine, I reflect differently on
41:13.124 --> 41:16.762
my life and then it's easier to look at context.
41:16.906 --> 41:19.714
But if you are in a day to day pressure, it's
41:19.762 --> 41:23.718
like believing that you have to be tomorrow at nine at
41:23.744 --> 41:26.590
your work and that your boss might be angry.
41:26.650 --> 41:29.070
And at that point it becomes very
41:29.120 --> 41:31.410
difficult to step out of this reality.
41:32.630 --> 41:34.294
Well, I think you have to practice.
41:34.402 --> 41:35.720
I think we all do.
41:37.070 --> 41:39.966
You can start with the tiniest thing. Okay.
41:40.028 --> 41:42.030
Just think about your jeans.
41:42.530 --> 41:43.726
Where does those jeans and
41:43.798 --> 41:46.640
how did those jeans come and end up with you?
41:48.050 --> 41:49.446
Where did they come from?
41:49.568 --> 41:50.818
Where was the cotton grown?
41:50.854 --> 41:51.786
Where did they get?
41:51.848 --> 41:53.058
Who designed them?
41:53.204 --> 41:54.814
How did they get distributed?
41:54.862 --> 41:57.774
How did you end up with the Euro that you went
41:57.812 --> 42:03.114
in and you bought them with and begin to open up
42:03.212 --> 42:10.638
our ability to see the complexity of any little thing, the
42:10.664 --> 42:15.380
food on the table, where did it come from?
42:16.550 --> 42:19.760
What is the meal of that about?
42:20.150 --> 42:23.902
What is the context of that one plate
42:23.926 --> 42:27.186
of food, like the diving into the
42:27.188 --> 42:29.946
curiosity for anything that's present in the moment.
42:30.008 --> 42:31.700
And just practice, okay.
42:32.510 --> 42:40.918
And it might not help, but it can hurt and it
42:40.944 --> 42:44.580
might make the food taste better or the genes more fun.
42:45.090 --> 42:49.294
I think it will definitely build our appreciation for life
42:49.332 --> 42:54.902
in general whether or not it will get us out
42:54.916 --> 42:58.302
of our depression or solve the world's problems, I don't
42:58.326 --> 43:01.720
know, but it might make it a little more fun.
43:02.830 --> 43:03.938
Yeah, that's true.
43:04.024 --> 43:09.530
And to a certain extent, anything that shifts your perspective
43:09.910 --> 43:13.960
can bring yourself into a new dynamic of life.
43:15.950 --> 43:16.494
Exactly.
43:16.592 --> 43:20.000
It will shift something and that will shift something.
43:20.570 --> 43:23.358
That will shift something, and then
43:23.504 --> 43:26.120
something will be less stuck. Yeah.
43:26.630 --> 43:30.306
There is one story that you told in the seminar that was
43:30.488 --> 43:34.890
very intriguing me, and it was a story about a knife.
43:35.270 --> 43:40.398
And you told me that you had been asked how
43:40.424 --> 43:44.454
did your father deal with crisis and that you first
43:44.552 --> 43:49.374
didn't remember him ever facing the crisis, and then you
43:49.412 --> 43:52.114
told, actually, yes, there was a crisis, but I didn't
43:52.162 --> 43:54.690
pursue this as being a crisis.
43:55.010 --> 43:57.440
Is there a story that you could share?
43:57.950 --> 44:00.162
Well, I think not today, because I
44:00.176 --> 44:02.600
think we already have said so much.
44:03.170 --> 44:05.514
But that's another much more
44:05.552 --> 44:14.702
material. The question of practicality.
44:14.846 --> 44:21.442
I would like to say that I have never found
44:21.516 --> 44:30.360
anything more practical in my life than developing my own
44:33.310 --> 44:39.040
possibilities to see more of the context that I'm in.
44:43.190 --> 44:47.130
It always helps me to be able to understand
44:47.300 --> 44:53.780
more, to respond in more beneficial ways, too.
44:55.310 --> 45:02.062
I really can hardly say more because it's
45:02.086 --> 45:07.580
the most practical thing I've ever tried myself.
45:08.630 --> 45:12.034
So the trick is there is no formula.
45:12.202 --> 45:14.310
There is no step by step.
45:14.420 --> 45:16.174
There is no technique.
45:16.342 --> 45:18.094
There is no trick.
45:18.262 --> 45:21.930
There is no nothing like that.
45:22.040 --> 45:27.330
There's only your own ability and how
45:27.380 --> 45:31.340
you learn about the world around you.
45:33.530 --> 45:37.230
And so that is not an easy fix.
45:38.390 --> 45:40.700
It doesn't deal with one system.
45:41.450 --> 45:46.340
It deals with the whole system of your life.
45:47.090 --> 45:49.398
Chances are if something's going wrong in
45:49.424 --> 45:54.058
one relationship that you have probably there's
45:54.094 --> 45:59.310
other ways in which that the little off
45:59.360 --> 46:02.746
balance thing that you're experiencing is servicing.
46:02.878 --> 46:05.814
But it might not look like it, but it might
46:05.852 --> 46:10.002
be in your diet or in your driving habits.
46:10.076 --> 46:17.262
There's something. Do you mean that even making
46:17.336 --> 46:21.346
a change in the driving habits or in the diet
46:21.478 --> 46:23.862
might lead to a change in the relationship?
46:23.996 --> 46:27.370
Because it's like opening up your unconscious
46:27.430 --> 46:30.306
way of looking at patterns in general. Yeah.
46:30.368 --> 46:32.118
I think if you open up the way you look
46:32.144 --> 46:36.020
at patterns in general, all sorts of things start.
46:37.850 --> 46:40.062
So we look at these things and we
46:40.076 --> 46:41.838
say, how do we solve this problem and
46:41.864 --> 46:44.180
that problem and this problem and that problem?
46:44.870 --> 46:49.866
And actually all those problems are stemming from something
46:49.988 --> 46:54.882
in the integrity, the way that you're working in
46:54.896 --> 46:58.530
your life, and those are the symptoms.
47:02.070 --> 47:06.480
So it's like when you feel you're stuck in one problem
47:07.170 --> 47:11.126
by starting to look at the context and all the interactions
47:11.198 --> 47:15.178
around you and the problem, it might help you extend your
47:15.204 --> 47:20.162
view and see that this pattern that makes you feel stuck
47:20.246 --> 47:24.262
is present on different levels and that you could find a
47:24.276 --> 47:30.226
solution on a lower level and it will transpose to different
47:30.348 --> 47:36.298
experiences or if you have a problem in one place and
47:36.324 --> 47:38.518
you start to look at what are the patterns in the
47:38.544 --> 47:44.182
context of my life? What you might notice is that you
47:44.196 --> 47:46.610
don't even notice what that issue is anymore.
47:46.670 --> 47:48.098
It's just obsolete.
47:48.194 --> 47:49.978
You don't have to solve the problem.
47:50.064 --> 47:52.500
It just becomes obsolete. Okay.
47:55.770 --> 48:00.960
Yeah, I can hardly really remember
48:02.550 --> 48:06.120
any incidence of solving problems.
48:07.050 --> 48:10.190
In fact, what happens is they just become obsolete.
48:10.310 --> 48:11.348
You just seem in the mirror
48:11.348 --> 48:13.440
mirror and you go, oh, yeah.
48:14.670 --> 48:16.310
When I was looking in the context
48:16.370 --> 48:18.442
of this big I had that problem.
48:18.516 --> 48:21.178
But when the context was this big, that
48:21.204 --> 48:24.480
thing I don't know what happened to that.
48:25.350 --> 48:28.642
It's no longer in the picture. Right?
48:28.776 --> 48:31.618
So more likely that's what happens.
48:31.704 --> 48:35.906
It's not so much about finding the key and solving
48:35.978 --> 48:51.340
the mystery as it is about seeing a different world.
48:51.790 --> 48:55.730
And when you see the world differently the
48:55.780 --> 49:00.770
possibilities that you have are so much wider
49:02.890 --> 49:06.522
that the stuck things just kind of dissolve.
49:06.666 --> 49:07.840
Does that make sense?
49:08.590 --> 49:12.400
Yeah, it makes sense. Great. Thanks.
49:13.150 --> 49:15.362
Is there some last message that you
49:15.376 --> 49:19.178
want to share with people or maybe
49:19.264 --> 49:21.890
could you say something about the movie?
49:22.930 --> 49:25.130
What can people find in the movie?
49:25.450 --> 49:27.158
What's useful for them?
49:27.244 --> 49:29.174
Well, that's for them to find out.
49:29.272 --> 49:35.706
I would never say that someone else gets but the movie
49:35.778 --> 49:40.338
an ecology of mine is available on DVD in Europe.
49:40.374 --> 49:43.000
It's available on Amazon.
49:46.390 --> 49:52.458
There's an Italian version, but the one
49:52.484 --> 49:57.610
on Amazon has English subtitles, French, Spanish,
49:57.670 --> 50:04.826
German and then in North America.
50:04.958 --> 50:06.420
It's available, too.
50:07.410 --> 50:11.494
Thank you for sharing. Thank you. Good. Thanks a lot.
50:11.592 --> 50:11.920
Thank you.
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